I know I haven’t been blogging much lately. I am going well. Actually better than well. Fantastic! But I am here to say that I am taking a little break from blogging to focus on some more important factors of my life. As you will read on to discover – I recently experienced the pain of when someone important to you walks away - but the greatest lesson that I have been blessed to realise from this is that I now know what conditional love looks and feels like. I now have something to become my model of behaviour that I don’t want to live by. The ugly vision of whom I do not wish to model myself on.
With this marker in mind – I have chosen to be there for my loved ones – my husband and others - who need my support and unconditional love a the moment. Yes, even though I need to sacrifice some of the things that I love – like this blog – because I know that I can come back to it – will come back to it – and be more enriched for it.
Because I do not view working at home as a chore – I view it as building a home – maintaining loving relationships and living with passion regardless of how hard it can sometimes be.
Please keep visiting this site – I will return and there are many many posts that you may not have read.
One in particular is: A letter to a friend (Click here to read)- which the following letter is the conclusion.
To you whom it concerns,
If I take off my rose tinted glasses and be real for a moment – I am not surprised. I find myself back on that golf course – after insisting to spend time with you – hating the fact that I was so hurt when I turned around after hitting that stupid ball from the tee onto the green (Par 3 – on the green in one!) only to find your attention glued to your phone to the women who pursued a married man. Am I really that low on your list of priorities?
I do know that you love me. However, when I think about that practically, I am at a loss of actual facts, actions or events to back that up.
I need to quote some specifics from “that day” that I said:
“I need to talk to you. I need you to move out because it isn’t working for me having you here. I want to spend time with you before you go back to live on the other side of the world but I do not want it to be like this. It is leaving me with too much resentment and if you stay we will not have any type of relationship in the future. I need you to move out so that when we spend time together it will be quality time. I want to spend time with you. You said that you came back here to spend time with me but it doesn’t look or feel that way. I need to see that you give a damn about me. I don’t’ want you to go away and leave me with the resentment that I let you do last time and many times before. The resentment and emotional baggage from being the only one making an effort and keeping everything together – to your liking – your needs. I think it is best for you to move out so that you can show me that our time together means something to you. I need you to make the effort. In effort I mean, call and make the arrangements, consider me in your plans, consider the effect your plans have on my life when you don’t consider me and think about my needs first – above your own – for once.
I don’t expect to be your number one forever – just for 2 and a half weeks. Geez, I don’t even expect to be your number one - top five would be an improvement. When you moved across the globe the first time I planned 6 months out to spend time with you. I made it a priority. I planned my life around you. I made spending time with you before you left my number one priority for that short time. But it wasn’t important enough to you to get everything done in time. I mean, it wasn’t like you would delay leaving – god forbid. But you could cancel on me. That was okay with you. I had to chuck a hissy fit to get two days with you in the end.
When you were coming to Australia I had to hound you for specific dates so that I could book annual leave. And yet, after years apart you could not spare 1 week from meeting your own needs. For me, I wasted a whole weeks precious annual leave sitting around waiting for you to get up in the morning – only to find that you wanted to run around doing what you needed – you wouldn’t, couldn’t put it off for even a week. I guess your were only in the country for a year – it wasn’t like it could wait (please note the sarcasm). And then, still, blinded by my own desire to be loved – in action – by you I booked more leave, putting people out at work, only to find that you had booked to go to across the country – no discussion - regardless of my frequent questions of your plans.
So I then looked at my pathetic desire and told myself that I was worth more than that.
What I find so astonishing is that even after I spelt it out:
- make me and spending time with me – a priority for a mere 2 and a half weeks. Get to know me and my life – my husband too – Do you realise you have not asked anything about us since you arrived? It was all you!
- I need you to make all the effort for a measly small time to prove that I meant something to you.
- I am not expecting all the hurts and wrongs from the past to be made right but by just taking ACTION for this small time will be a MASSIVE.
That you – from your email – think that I as talking about the two weeks you lived here is absurd. That you – couldn’t even call me to tell me this was pathetic.
Doh! Of course I BLOODY WASN’T! talking about a few weeks – I was the one who said it wasn’t going to all go away in 2 and a half weeks but I also said it would be such a change in your usual selfish behaviour if you did take responsibility that it would mean so MUCH.
And yet, this small amount of time was too much for you to step outside your cocoon and think about someone else.
I will not be manipulated by your self-indulgent sulky behaviour – by that I am referring to your email:
“These things are not going to be solved in a few days even if I was to accept all the blame.”
Because unlike you – I don’t feel that need to blame. I accept responsibility in enabling your selfish ways, giving in to your sulking, not expressing my own needs and wants until I was desperate. I don’t blame you. Why? Why would you change when I have amongst others indulged you? I mean, your needs were met – why would you think anything was wrong?
Oh yeah, maybe there is blame for not taking responsibility and listening when someone is talking to you. Inaction is still action to be taken responsibility for.
I have spoken to you very specifically on several occasions. Almost everything I said to you that day I have said before. Once when you were living with us – free again I might add – and 3 phone calls since you have been living abroad.
Communication has two separate and equal responsibilities.
1. To talk
2. To listen
One cannot help but feel disregarded, rejected and low on respect and priorities if you talk again and again and the other person can’t be bothered listening and remembering it.
But, I bet that you can remember the words to a million songs you like, albums, books and movies or history and political facts. Can you see how I hate that guitar and boat from stealing so much from me?
One other very important factor that makes me disappointed by your email is that you slipped into victim mode and attempted to put the ball back in my court.
“I don’t want to leave Australia and you without a face to face goodbye. If we could meet somewhere that suits you before the ….. maybe we can make a start towards reconciliation.”
I need to tell you that the ball fell into the net there.
I will not be manipulated and especially not in that pathetically misled way.
Quite obviously – I said over and over – that I wanted to spend time with you. However, my heart has been broken enough, my self-worth battered enough from my efforts therefore I need YOU to make the effort. I said I need you to call and arrange, to consider me and to make me a priority. I remember quite specifically repeating that.
So, in this attempt to manipulate I now understand that you are unable to do this. Not willing to put yourself second for even a moment. I should have realised this when you said so quickly and with so much defeat – which is your usual way to avoid responsibility – ‘I’ll try” but like with so many ‘shoulds’ I find myself – yet again – left disappointed, unheard, rejected and broken-hearted. And have you even thought about how my husband might have felt? I mean, you have known him since he was 12 – there is responsibility in that relationship you know.
And what the hell was that date about? You were leaving later than that.
It would be unfathomable – unfreaking unbelievable if that means you made plans to leave early. I realise now – it was not so unfathomable. Your response was to run – leave early – and ignore all responsibility.
Save your excuses – all I wanted by talking to you was for you to take responsibility and make us count in your life so that we were not the ones left with the broken heart – yes, even if that meant your heart broke for once. I guess I thought you could handle it.
So I guess it’s clear then. I now know where I stand.
My needs were not a priority for you. I must rate pretty low for you. Even lower than I thought. You couldn’t even put your own self aside for 2 and a half weeks and let me feel that you actually cared for me – in actions – as words are cheap when no action happens.
So for me, I didn’t want a face to face goodbye. Why? What for? Why do that to myself? So that you can feel better? You can hand me the emotional baggage and be off with the warm and fuzzies? I grieved the loss of your love a long time ago. Unfortunately I had hoped in my grief that it wasn’t true. Now I realise that it is.
I have loved you in both words and actions. But for now – I need to protect myself and my own heart for it has been smashed too many times by your disregard and rejection. It is such a shame that you think that love costs you so much. That putting someone first is not worth the outcome.
I wish you could have said that you were proud of and happy for me and my husband but for now – I am proud of myself for standing up and saying that I am worth something. I am proud that I am married to someone who has shown me what a man really looks like and what unconditional love really feels like. I have discovered my own self worth that has been gathering dust under the countless times I have put you first. I have rewired my subconscious and proved that it was wrong. That I was something more that what someone thought and that I am worth being loved, respected and acknowledged and yes, even if that person was my Dad.
I am happy that I am proud of myself and have generated a sense of self-worth as it will take some time to forgive myself in accepting a women who actively pursued a married man and broke up a family unit so easily – because I wanted a relationship with you. Someone who seduced me at the beginning but once you were over there never gave me the time of day. Someone so manipulating and controlling and yet – in an effort to be nice – made excuses for her. Her true ugly colour was shown that day. I can’t imagine how betrayed my Mum might have felt – but she never said – as she loves me unconditionally.
And from this experience – my subconscious was shown that my needs are worth something, that I deserve and can accept love and respect. And – I hope to share with you all in the future – just how much this has unblocked my self-defeating behaviours in one swoop. I now believe I can – so I can and I do.