I haven’t blogged in a while because….. well basically I haven’t done anything at all in a while. Turning the computer on to check my emails has been too much of an effort. Getting out of bed is too hard but unfortunately I haven’t had the luxury of burying my depression like paint into a canvas or hiding it in the keys of a piano like an artist or musician. Depression and a painful soul is material to the talented who thrive on those feelings to create. To suffer for their art is what becomes their art. I don’t pretend to be like that but I can’t help but wish that my feelings were a little more productive or at least sounded a little more glamorous.
Depression in a ordinary person echoes in the steps of putting one foot in front of one another whilst you get yourself in the shower and ready for work. It hums in the traffic driving to work and blares in the confusion of work. By the time I get home my body and mind are both numb and raw with the effort it all takes and I sleep tossing and turning only to awake numb and raw.
I can remember having bouts of depression as early as my teenage years. But I work really really hard at being positive and working my mind to combat it and for most of the time I do. Since having Diabetes (6 years ago at the age of 30) I have found that the bouts hit harder and they hit longer. This, sometimes more than anything that has changed because of living with this disease is the hardest because it is such a contrast to how I feel most of the time. But for what used to be tiny periods of ‘blue’ have now become an all out warfare over good and evil. Positive and Negative. Effort and Effortless. Energy and Lethargy. Caring and not caring. ‘Good’ blood sugars and ‘Bad’ blood sugars.
I hear all of the time that Diabetics are more prone to depression or that we have a higher risk of depression. What does that mean exactly? For me, I suppose it means two things.
1. That the physical and mental strain of living with diabetes can cause ‘burnout’ or what I like to call ‘blockout’ as I tend to dive into a book to block out the world.
2. That chemically and physiologically diabetes causes depression. eg: Low Serotonin levels or Hormonal imbalance. Which I like to call a ‘blackout’ because it’s like the lights are not on but there is someone home.
Right now I am keeping hold, standing my ground, frantically flicking the switches in a blackout. Fighting hard not to completely blockout. One foot in front of the other charging to take back over the enemy’s line.